Dell, Dell, how do I --love-- loath thee!

Y'all ready for this? Make sure you use the facilities before this ride. It's gonna be a long one...

The story starts off with me needing a new computer. In my job I need a laptop, and I am a big fan of the large screens, even if it means I need to pump it up on my back exercises to carry the thing. That's what health insurance is for, right?

There is also this thing about always "needing" the latest and greatest technology, and as luck would have it, the wonderful i7 CPU was just released for the mobile market!

Now, Dell being the only one with an i7 option (at the time) plus some other accouterments that I really liked, like a backlit keyboard, and my positive experiences with Dell on the corporate side, there was no hesitation in my fingertips as I configured a Dell system on their website.

This is where our story starts...

I placed an order for a Studio 1747 with an i7 CPU on 10/26 through the website order system. After completing the order process, I received an acknowledgment email that essentially just said I purchased a laptop and that I would get a confirmation email within 24 hours letting me know that the order is then being actually processed. The ETD on the order page said 11/14, and even though that's 3 excruciating weeks away, I am pretty pumped that I'm getting a new bitchin' laptop.

I check my email incessantly for two days but I still haven't received the confirmation email. We have just officially reached notch 1 on the frustration level (remember, this is very exciting, right?).

Anyway, I give the Dell sales line a call to figure out what the deal is. The sales guy didn't have a clue what the delay was, but he would make sure that order got canceled and I should place a new order through him. He said that he would make sure it got all the way through (and skipping the whole acknowledgment/confirmation process), so I agreed to reconfigure a new machine through him. I'm sure he got a little kickback from it, but he was nice and hooked me up with a free wireless mouse. I'm a sucker for a new gadget.

During the reconfiguration, it came to light (after some confusion) that the reason the original one was delayed was because, apparently, the bluetooth adapter didn't work with Windows 7 Home Premium. I needed to upgrade to Windows 7 Pro.

Now, here's a little intermission.

I'm in IT. I have been doing this for a very long time, and for a very long time I have been ordering PCs and even ordering plenty through Dell. I know that this is a bunch of crap, but I also know that the sales guy is just relaying the information.

I know that this is giving me is ridiculous, and that the reason why it's not available yet with Windows 7 Home Premium is because Dell hasn't officially certified it yet or hasn't made its way to the order page, at least.

This speaks a little bit about the quality of hardware and software you get with Dell when you buy something that's fairly hot off the presses, but is also frustrating as a consumer. Dell tries to be the first one to market with a new technology and who cares if it's properly implemented? Who cares if thousands of customers can't work and have to waste their collective lifetimes on the phone with your support? They get to say, forever, that they were the first to market with an i7 chip (which isn't exactly true, but close).

"Whatever" though, I was going to get the upgrade anyway and the sales guy said he would give me a big discount on the Win7 Pro. Great. So, we finish up the order and he emails me the order confirmation email detailing the new laptop components.

....Guess what's not in there? If you guessed "bluetooth adapter", give yourself a gold star! (Okay, so it wasn't that hard to guess. Don't go too crazy there, pablo). Notch 2.

I'm frustrated, but I figure I can just add a USB bluetooth adapter after anyway (and really, I don't use it that much), so it wasn't too big of a deal. Oh, and those 2 days wasted have now added 2 weeks to the estimated time of delivery.

Time goes by, and I'm getting more excited by the day! But holy hot dang! The laptop surprised me on 11/12 (whew! Just missed a Friday the 13th delivery!). It's early! This is fantastic!

So I did what any techie would do. I reload the OS :) and immediately start working on the new computer, setting it up just for me, installing programs, and moving my files over from a temporary laptop I had. This laptop is CRAZY FAST and has a beautiful screen, and I can't wait until I get out of work so I can start using it for more fun stuff.

The next day, 11/13, at 9:47PM, I get home from work, open the lid to being it back from sleep mode......and nothing. Lights come on, but nothing else. I let it sit for a bit thinking it'll come back after a couple minutes (maybe?). Nope.

Okay, so I've had this happen before with other PCs. I'll just power it off and on again. I hold down the power button to turn it off, wait a few seconds for everything to spin down, and push the power button with trepidation.

beep....beep...beep....beep....beep....beep...beep..........................beep....beep...beep....beep....beep....beep...beep...............

Aw dang. A beep code. Anyone know what 7 beeps means off the top of their head? Yeah, it means a processor failure :( Notch 3.

I'm pretty disappointed at this point for every single one of the obvious reasons. I just spent over $2000 for an electronic effigy for all that is right in the world only to have it die a painful, heptagonal-beeping death (good thing it was quick!).

I call up Dell support, and after being on hold off and on while he checked with his colleagues a few times and read through a couple pages of his scripts, eventually confirmed that yep, 7 beeps means a processor failure. He claims to dispatch out a replacement CPU and motherboard and we end the call with him giving me the dispatch # and a note telling me I should hear from a tech within a couple days to schedule an appointment.

Saturday... Sunday.... Monday... Tuesday... Still nothing. Notch 4.

So I call Dell back to find out what's going on. We go through the typical machinations of being on hold, being transferred, getting disconnected, calling back, being on hold, and then I finally reach someone who can help me. We go through the ticket. After more on hold-ness, he comes back and says "I'm really sorry sir, but it looks like that dispatch was never actually...dispatched. If you don't mind, let us recreate that for you and send it out to the tech right away."

NOTCH 5!!

Alright. Calm down there, Steve-o. Nothing good will come of it if you get upset.

I speak as clear and as calm as I can through the next few steps of recreating the dispatch. I now have a new reference number and have spoken to a manager.

So on Wednesday I was thinking that it's great that I have a reference number, but how will I know it's been dispatched? They keep screwing up, so it's not unreasonable to double check and make sure it's done right this time.

Alright, so I call them. I go through the same, standard (apparently) machinations of being on hold, being transferred, getting disconnected, calling back, being on hold,being on hold again, getting disconnected (yes, twice. Notch 6), being on hold, being transferred, being on hold, being transferred, and being on hold.

I get someone on the phone in the hardware group, who, after being putting me on hold a couple more times has figured out that somehow, for some reason, the motherboard and CPU are not getting added to the dispatch properly causing the dispatch not to complete. He doesn't know why. He has no idea when it will be fixed, or who to even go to to see about fixing it. He offers to recreate the dispatch again. NOTCH 7.

I ask to speak to a manager again and he offers to replace the unit completely. At this point, I have 2 options. 1) Don't replace the laptop, but it's unknown when the parts will be in or 2) replace the laptop and wait 3 or more weeks for it to arrive.

So, after all this running around, literally hours of my time, I am (supposedly) getting a new laptop but I have not seen any proof of this actually happening. I hope it is.

So that brings us to today. I have no update from Dell either on the My Account page or a phone call from them letting me know what the status is, nor has my support page been updated, so I called them up again.

Go ahead... guess what they said...? The new exchange order was never placed. Notch-expletive-expletive-8!

The "manager" assured me that THIS time it's absolutely going to go through and that I will receive the new laptop within (another) 2-3 weeks. They also suggested that I don't need to call them back because they're going to make sure it goes through and give me a follow up call in 2 weeks on 12/5. Riiiiiiiiight.

At this point my confidence in Dell is pretty low though, but it would be really nice if they delivered, even if it is almost 2 months after I ordered it initially.

Pretty please?

If it doesn't go through this time then I'm just going to have to nix the whole Dell thing and go with another, more reliable (and cheaper!) laptop.

I really want to stick with Dell, but this is bordering on insanity!

Dude, I'm getting a Dell (in the year 2013, after the apocolypse when they finally get their support team talking to their order processing team talking to their order system on the website).